


IN A WHILE CROCODILE

by LithiumCrystal



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Australia, Crack, M/M, There's a crocodile and people need better jobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 05:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1676804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LithiumCrystal/pseuds/LithiumCrystal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>There’s not enough money in the world they could pay somebody not to sell a video of One Direction wrestling a gigantic crocodile in an Australian river...</i>
</p><p> </p><p>This is about Harry Styles being rescued from a crocodile in Australia. Because of reasons</p>
            </blockquote>





	IN A WHILE CROCODILE

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nacre_Voit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nacre_Voit/gifts).



> FUCK. Yes. This is Nacre_Voit's fault. But like... Mostly mine. I'm sorry. Sorry for it all. DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY COS IT ISN'T. I swear sometimes I write real actual stories... Sometimes... I'm very drunk R/N. Never drink and fic, kiddies.

It begins with a cry of "a croc's got Harry!" and the entire security team mentally updating their résumés to read "security for the world's biggest boy band, 2011-2014"

It's not that they don't LIKE Harry, really they do, but they were trained to deal with overly enthusiastic fans, maybe a bomb threat here and there; nowhere in the job description was mentioned the youngest and curliest haired member of the band getting snagged by a salt water crocodile on the shores of an Australian riverbank.

Just as everyone has resigned themselves to a painful search for a new job, somebody snaps into action; and it's not Paul, it's not the rest of security; hell, it's not even Lou brandishing a makeshift blowtorch made from a lighter and that heavy-duty hairspray she uses to keep Zayn's quiff sticking up for an entire concert.

No

It’s Louis giving a battlecry that sounds akin to Tarzan choking on a gym sock as he fucking LAUNCHES himself at the crocodile which has grabbed Harry by his Prada backpack, wrapping his powerful thighs around its throat in a chokehold that would shame a Mexican wrestler.

Nobody screams; everyone is literally too fucking stunned for that.

Louis’s manic and rather suicidal attack seems to spur the rest of the boys into movement; Liam leaps from his canoe, his arms flexing as he attaches his broad, muscular body to the crocodile’s tail; Niall is shouting something that sounds suspiciously like “let ‘im go, ya shower of cunts!” and kicking the beast in the stomach; Zayn, who at the last minute seems to remember he can’t swim, grabs an enormous tree branch even taller than he is and strides forward to WHACK the unfortunate reptile repeatedly with the pointy end.

The team just kind of sit there motionless as the bizarre scene plays out.

Lou idly snaps a photo.

Everybody secretly prays another tourist boat doesn’t come along. There’s not enough money in the world they could pay somebody not to sell a video of One Direction wrestling a gigantic crocodile in an Australian river.

Louis’s thighs squeeze particularly tightly and the croc’s eyes bulge in its head.

… Not enough money in the world.

Eventually the wrath of four spritely lads in their twenties proves too much for the crocodile and it lets go, either passing out or flat-out dying; it’s not really clear. In any case, the beast’s jaws slacken and they’re able to haul a pale, mud-splattered Harry back onto the river bank.

The Prada backpack sadly does not make it.

The team reiterates their prayer that no other boats show up as Louis pats Harry down looking for wounds before tackling the taller boy into the mud and proceeding to suck his face with such relieved enthusiasm it’s kind of surprising he doesn’t vacuum his lips off.

The other boys high-five in victory.

The team look at each other. There’s an unspoken agreement among them; nobody can ever find out. Simon, in particular, must never know.

Harry rolls Louis over onto his back and grinds down with a moan that wouldn’t be out of place in a porno.

... The bright side is they're probably not in danger should it ever be brought up again

Who would even believe them, anyway?

-END-


End file.
